The Horka Blog

I was reading Derek McNaughton in the Vancouver Sun, writing about the 2010 Porsche Panamera. I don’t take issue with anything he says, but find the car irrelevant. There is no place I am aware of in and around Montreal to take advantage of any of the car’s features and capabilities.

It goes a cazillion kmh? Thanks for the temptation but I want to hang on to my license for a while. It has a 1,000 watt stereo that is just incredible? Want to listen to music? Go to a live concert, cretin. Yards and yards of beautiful leather – for what? So it can be covered in brown salty slush that is virtually impossible to remove? Boy, that sure sounds inviting! It has a hard drive that will store my thousands of CDs? No thanks, I do own a house and have a life. I have no intention of spending the next 5 years living out of the car, listening to CDs. Etc. Etc.

This got me thinking about what an ideal car for Montreal should have. Here’s what I came up with:

Tons of torque to get out of the way of the retard who didn’t see me. I don’t care about horsepower, the speed limits are all 70, 50 or 30 kmh. The highways around Montreal are crawling with SQ cruisers hidden everywhere or travelling unmarked. Probably a turbo diesel so you could save a few pennies while getting the monster torque.

A good, unbreakable manual transmission with a super heavy duty clutch so as to have instant torqueto get out of the way of the aforementioned retards above, day in and day out, month after month.

I love the look of gun slit windows, but they are the last things in the universe I would actually want to look out of while driving on Montreal streets. I want vast expanses of glass all around and a body shape so that I can see where all 4 corners of the car are.

A super heavy duty suspension where the shocks won’t blow from hitting one of the many car-eating potholes that one encounters and wheels that can absorb the punishment without denting.

Provision for major scrub guards to be attached to the front and rear of the car so that the pigs who don’t give a shit about pranging every corner of the car, even when it is parked on the street, will only be denting their own. Similarly – some large rubber moldings on the side of the car to absorb all the prangs it’s going to get from the brain dead occupants of other cars who seem to relish flinging their doors open, regardless of who is right next to them.

Four doors and a hatch – especially in the winter – the last thing you want to do is freeze your vital parts off fumbling with a two door or a frozen trunk to store people, pets, groceries, etc.

Four wheel drive. Writers who claim all the electronic crap they put into cars now make a front drive car useable in the winter never tried to drive up Guy or Berri or University during a snow storm with an ice base. Sorry, the only thing that makes it up those hills is real 4 wheel drive.

Very bright lights in front so you can the pothole you are going to hit early enough to be able to brace yourself for the impact.

I would be interested in other people’s opinions as to the ideal urban car!